Not-so-Daily Dorchester

Disconnected ramblings after an 80hr work week

2007-01-13T11:46:00.000-08:00

The key to passing time is not to entertain oneself with meaningless frivolities like surfing the web, or posting on a blog, as is commonly believed. As fun as it is to come up with ingenious ways of passing time, these pale in comparison to the true secret of successfully making it through an 80hr week. (To be fair, 10 of those hours were on Saturday, so my week is less compacted than if 80hrs had been divided up among 5 days.)

The true secret of passing time in a boring job, is to stay ridiculously busy. Become swamped with work. Have so much work that it is riding you down like a semi-truck riding down homeless people. Spend every moment from eight in the morning to eight at night working desperately, and the time will fly by. Stress is the appetizer, intensity, the main course.

Work in silence. Do not talk, do not move, do not deviate from your one objective-- to finish before midnight.

This, of course, is impossible. You will not finish before midnight. The upside is that you will be pleasently suprised to discover that you have been at your desk for sixteen hours and you can go home.

This is how surgeons can perform 10-15 hour surgeries. It is not that they are extraordinarily focused people. It is simply that there is so much to do in 15 hours that they don't notice the time pass until it is over.

You cannot complain, either, without sounding like the world's biggest pussy...because the guy in the cubicle next to you did not work a sixteen hour day. He simply didn't go home. He worked all night, showered and changed, and kept working. He finds the idea of going home at midnight refreshing. So does everyone else around you.

I strongly suspect that they make fun of me when I leave.

An enormous paycheck helps. In fact, it helps way more than I thought it ever could. I used to think that there was a strong possibility that I would enter the workforce and discover that after a 120 hour week, the money was just not worth it. Not true. It turns out that the money is absolutely worth it. I now find the idea of a paycheck under a grand per week disappointingly low.

Anyone who says "What good is all that money if you don't have time to spend it?" does not make a lot of money. And someone always says that. Its the most commonly used argument for a job you enjoy over a massive salary. (The correct response is to pull out a fat wad of cash and beat them to death with it. Then say, "That's what its good for...bitch") Turns out, you enjoy a job with a massive salary the most.

Sorry, I got carried away. The real answer is that there is always time to spend large amounts of money. That is the basis of the American economy, of capitalism, and success. Its basically a physical law.

The [Insert my last name here, those who know me] Law: There is ALWAYS time to spend large sums of money. If you have to wonder, you aren't making a lot of money.

You might be a science major if...

2006-11-13T12:12:00.000-08:00

- You have ever used Listerine (or any other alcohol containing liquid) to "preserve" an insect because you didn't have any ethanol handy

- You have spent more then 2 hours in your department's building outside of normal class

- You have discussed with your peers that morning's Anatomy/Physiology lecture while pointing out the corresponding structures/regions on the roasted chicken you are eating for dinner

- You have pants that zip off at the knee and you have worn them...in public... and they match the pants your professor is wearing

- You know the proper tension to put on the strap of a pair of safety googles so that they won't leave rings around your eyes nor will they fall off

- You consider yourself tan when your skin darkens to the color of buttermilk

- You measure how much you have studied for a test in days, not hours or minutes

- You have seen multiple photographs of non-human species copulating

- You know the proper way to apply lube...to ground glass

- You can explain, on the molecular level, why aluminum foil and Drain-O cause an explosion when mixed in a two-liter bottle

- You know what happens in your department over the weekend because you hangout with all the other majors...in the lab...on Friday and Saturday and Sunday

- You can vacuum filtrate the hell out of pretty much anything

- You have heard "the text book would have you believe....but really...." multiple times in a semester

- You have every had to worry about the guidelines of the Institutional Review Board regarding the use of lab animals

- You have every had a professor discuss the pros and cons of different preservative solutions in regards to how well the animal holds up to disection

- You have spent 3 hours testing white powder so that you can tell the professor whether or not he gave you a crushed up acetaminophen

- You have spent 10 hours writing a 5 page paper and taken it to the professor for comments and made numerous revisions and still made a C or D on it

- You know better then to chose a color-blind partner while performing titrations

- You have looked longingly out the window at a group of Communication (or Theatre or History or Art or Philosophy or Anthropology or Sociology for that matter) Majors playing Frisbee on the lawn and you wished you had time to do that

- You consider Psychology a "pseudo-science"

Graduate School Ramblings

2006-11-11T12:48:00.000-08:00

Now is the time of year for those of us interested in pursuing a PhD to apply to graduate programs. In other words, all of us want to put off having a job for the next 5-6 years. Of course we then want to work in academia, thus solidifying how little we want to enter the real world. The advantages of a career in PhDemia are numerous: relatively good salary, job security and opportunities to excel, but nailing that position as a professor or the like is a long and drawn out process. My focus on this post is to discuss the intricacies of the application process and what it's like to be applying to college all over again. Graduate school is college 2.0.

The top priority is to have a list of schools to apply to. I am a scientist so I will be discussing everything else from the perspective of one. My undergraduate experience was basically spent not caring about grades or trying to improve this thing called a GeePeeAy; I would much rather learn real world skills that would help me become a better chemist. I ended up splashing acid on my foot by not giving myself a chance at the top tier programs: Harvard, Yale, etc. So I am now stuck with the middle tier places--some are great, others are like the Austin College of the graduate committee. So I have a list of places to apply to, let's talk about the application and what's really going on.

I wish I were black. In fact, I am like a white-chocolate covered oreo: I'm white on the outside, but really a black person on the inside who really dreams of being white. Looking at every single application, there are places to fill in the ethnicity. And with American graduate education systems the way they are, a black American-Indian woman is worth her weight in platinum. All this person would have to do is fill in "African American Indian Female" circles, not even worry about name, GRE scores or personal statement, and she would be accepted instantly. Being American isn't so bad, at least I'm not Asian. Oh wait...I am. Thanks a lot mom and dad. Asian and Indian people are both feared and fought for because of their lack of honesty and intelligence, respectively. It has happened numerous times: a foreign scientist is applying to an American graduate school for a science. All the expenses are paid for by the undergraduate student's tuition. The scientist is accepted, flies to the university, works one day, gets citizenship and then leaves. This preventing an American student from that graduate position, wasting the university money and finally, forcing the research group to wait a full year to fill the vacancy. Awesome. Thanks guys.

After being accepted into a research group it's time to start working on your thesis. First year graduate students are required to specialize in the type of science they have in mind. They take advanced courses until their second.5 year, that is when their literature review is done and they start working full time on their project. This keeps going until A) the student is done with the thesis or B) the student jumps off the science building.

Sidewalks are for walking, not talking.

2006-11-07T10:14:00.000-08:00

After spending three years of my life on a "pedesterian" (read small, really really small) campus, a summer in Washington, D.C. and nearly a lifetime of being extremely good at walking, I am sick and tired of people who do not know how to use a sidewalk properly, and therefore screw everything up. Like Democrats, they try to fake it and cover up their ineptitude, while simultaneously screwing things up. Oh and their selfish too. Anyway, I would like to point out a few things about the proper way to walk on a sidewalk.

+ You always walk on your right side of the sidewalk. Just like driving. This is America, not some pinko-Commie country or other geopolitical conglomerate that the US has, because of its compassion, goodness, and incredible military might, mercifully decided to rescue from the grasp of Communism, Fascism, Socialism, Naizism, or any other -isms. Therefore, if you do walk on the side that is on your left, you are a member of one of the -isms and we should use the full might of the Patriot Act to investigate/detain you.

+ Walking in groups is only permissible if your group does not occupy more then 3/8 of the width of the sidewalk, thereby allowing faster pedesterians to pass you with out unnecessarily decreasing the available sidewalk for oncoming pedesterians. If your group occupys more then the appropriate width, others have the right to shove you into the bushes. Same thing applies to those who take up more then 3/8 of the width by themselves. Except verbal belittlement may replace the pushing into the bushes, since attempting to do so will probably result in a loss of arms into rolls of fat.

+ Walking should be done at a brisk pace. This is important for several reasons. First, it will help you keep from getting fat or perhaps loose some weight. Second, it will help prevent you from being late, which may result in me punching you in the face if it negatively affects my ability to start a meeting/function/activity on time. Finally, walking quickly will allow others to also arrive at their destinations on time, therefore reducing the amount of face punching I may be required to perform.

An Intern's Day

2006-11-04T12:32:00.000-08:00

I created a journal of my day at work for a buddy over the summer, so that we could compare notes. It looked something like this...

8:45am--Arrive at work. Sign in for 8:00am

8:46am--Desk time. Sit at desk. Log-in to computer. Stare blankly at screen and watch the 10min verification process. Do not use this time to multi-task or be productive.

8:56am--Time to cash in 1 of a possible 7 'bathroom' breaks.

9:15am--Return to desk. Bring up mcsweeneys.net. Read.

9:45am--Open Excel. Continue reading mcsweeneys.net

10:00am--Rush through first spreadsheet of day. Print. Notice boss is on phone. Obviously, now is not a good time to give him the spreadsheet. Open cnn.com. Read.

10:30am--Boss is off phone. Bring him spreadsheet. When asked why a 15min task took 2hrs and 30 min, protest that he was on the phone.

10:45am--Return to desk with updated list of today's assignments. Now is an excellent time for an involved day dream about living the life of a Hilton sister, except one who is not a bitch, or stuck-up, but instead, incredibly popular. And male. Definently male. Also, really good at snowboarding, and other athletic indeavors. Pretty ripped too. You know, big, but with no body fat. Sort of the "I can do anything look--run, swim, bike, or lift large triangular iron weights..."

12:00pm--Whoa. Kind of blanked out there for a while. Oh, well. Lunch time.

12:30pm--Lunch break over. Continue eating lunch. If anyone asks, you just started.

12:45pm--Bathroom break (2).

1:00pm--Start assignments. On Excel. Consider Excel as a form of religous worship. Become more enthused as Excel starts to look more and more attractive as compared to, say, Hinduism.

1:30pm--In a burst of religous furvor, write most complicated formula ever on Excel.

2:00pm--Attempt to convert co-workers.

2:30pm--Wow, another blackout. Look up blacking-out on WebMD.

2:45pm--Hang out in bathroom (3).

3:00pm--Return to mcsweeneys.net. Market close.

3:30pm--(4)

3:45pm--Continue assignment.

3:50pm--Kill ten minutes.

4:00pm--One hour left. Hurray. Into the "home stretch."

4:10pm--Realize that there is now very little time left. Complain that your boss always leaves things until the last minute to assign them to you. Receive sympathy from co-workers. Suppress disdain for co-workers.

4:15pm--Rush off assignments. Give them to boss. Hope that now you can go home early. Instead, boss gives you new assignments.

4:32pm--Suppress rage. Fail.

4:45pm--Rush off last assignment. Bathroom break (5). Consider how odd it is to hang out in the bathroom. At least it's quiet and empty. And there's a mirror.

4:55pm--Boss congragulates you on getting everything done. Consider this an especially productive day. Mentally continue congragulating self on how well you work under high stress environments. Look forward to entering the business world for real. Imagine self as millionaire business tycoon. Consider how great you look in a suit.

5:00pm--Sign out as 5:15pm

5:01pm--Elevator time. Make small talk about how tough the day was with others in the elevator.

Pretty girls...

2006-10-11T15:33:00.000-07:00

...are virtually non-existent here at Austin College.

One of my roommates took the time to point out a new Facebook group -- "Girls need AC goggles too." Which is ridiculous. They can never know our pain.

Sure, I would be the first to agree that AC has more than its fair share of ugly, ugly people of either gender. Fine. Yet we have only scratched the surface of the problem. A simple examination of ratio's and proportions gives us a glimpse into the life of the AC male. The ratio of attractive, or athletic, or just plain healthy guys to girls is about 3:1. Conservatively. Very conservatively. Honestly, the ratio is probably closer to 4:1. Or more. Independent examiners and a variety of governing bodies have placed the ratio anywhere between 5:1 and 12:1.

A simple trip to the "Fitness Pavilion" confirms these estimates. Many of the gentlemen found inside will not be attractive. However, a statistically significant majority are at least in shape, not to mention good shape.

In contrast, we have to damn near give out cash prizes to get girls to show up and stay in shape (those who do deserve some sort of presidential commendation, or Nobel Peace prize). In shape means a Body Mass Index of under, say, 24. Spain, in an act of lunacy, recently banned super-models with a BMI of under 18. So there you go, a 6 pointt margin of fatness for AC girls.

To return to my original point, everyone knows the truth. Most girls will admit it. Austin College is filled with guys who don't approach blimplike proportions, and girls who do.

That ends my hate and rage filled invective against fat and ugly girls/people. Before I sign off, let me end with some words of hope. Please, for the love of God, go to the weight room, run, bike, swim, and prove me wrong...before you collapse into yourself like the proverbial black-hole.

To the Intelligence of the Alpha

2006-10-04T09:31:00.000-07:00

Note: all names in this post will be changed to protect the identity of that person.

While walking through the Kangaroo Koffee Klub one morning I stumbled upon a sophomore Alpha (I will refer to her as Thindian here on out) whom I have known since her first chemistry class here--I tutored her. While I was ordering a cup of coffee I noticed that she had a canned food item in her hands. Perchance could it be breakfast? Yes, yes in fact it was her breakfast because it was a little before eight in the morning. Now while I was waiting in line, I noticed that she had in her hand an old fashioned can opener--you know the all metal one where you clamp the edge into the can and turn the handle to open the lid. That is what Thindian had in her hand: a can opener, while in the other she was holding her breakfast.

This next part reminded me of an infant trying to place solids of various shape through holes that were the same shape as the solid blocks. Thindian, like an infant, was getting frustrated in that there was no shape that matched the lip of the can opener. These were her actions in the war of can versus opener:
(1) After tapping the side of the can, she rotated the can to the other side and tapped
(2) Since this did not work, she tapped the surface of the can with the rotating part of the opener
(3) She flipped the can over to the bottom and repeated the tapping; I could tell she was getting frustrated. What do infants do when they hit a wall? That's right, they splatter.
(4) She placed the can right-side up and tried to saw the lid with the teeth of the wheel, which obviously did not work, and led to...
(5) Thindian stabbing the lid with the bottom and then top of the can opener which obviously did not open it
(6) Thindian gave it one last shot by rubbing the surface of the can with the edge of the opener and finally asked the person behind the counter for help

There is a valuable lesson to be learned by this set of actions: take all alphas aside, remove from them any sharp objects such as wit, jewelry, money, voice boxes, sounds of laughter and the excessive amount of bitch beer they drink, take them into the forest where you douse them with honey, and then leave. If they survive we give them some of their humanity back in the form of healthy food. If not, I pity the bear that devours them.

Small Towns

2006-10-02T15:06:00.000-07:00

So I recently had two incredible experiences. First, I was at the laundry mat and was about to put my clothes in when I was accosted by the crazy lady who was working there who assumed that as a white college student I had no clue what I was doing. I then spent the next hour and half proving her wrong as I competently operated both the washer AND the dryer AND folded all of my own clothes. That was not the fun part. The fun part was when she guessed where I went to college (This was not difficult due to the fact that I am, again a white, clean-cut, young male with all my teeth, and a vocabulary of more then 200 words, something rare in the part of town where my college is, and we were of course less then a mile from campus). She then spent the next 10 minutes informing me, well more like yelling across the room from where she had stationed herself, in only partially understandable phrases (she is one crazy, southern, old black woman) about how bad the college was for tearing down the old houses that surround the campus. She of course did not mean that the college was tearing down good, historical homes that should be perserved. No, she was refering to the rundown, crap holes which are more often then not the site of drug consumption and trafficing committed by sketchy, sketchy people. Apparently its a bad thing that the college is trying to build a buffer between itself and the rift-raft that makes up this part of town. She then ended the conversation (I was busy trying to sneak out the side door) by asking me to buy her a cold drink. Deciding to be nice and give even more of my money to welfare (you know above and beyond the taxes taken from me to fund the communist machine in America), I asked her what kind she wanted. She said she didn't care, but as soon as I put money into the machine and asked again she hit the Mountain Dew button with enough force I thought the button was going to break.

After my laundry experience, I decided I was up for another cultural experiential opportunity, so I went to the local high school football game with my relatives. There I saw something I never even thought about thinking that I would never see. A midget high school football coach. I kid you not. This guy was almost as wide as he was tall, which was about the level of the belt line of most of the players. He was wide too. He looked a lot like a human version of that weird brownie thing on the Domino's Pizza commercials. But he had the headset and everything and was pacing up and down the sidelines yelling at players. Pretty funny sight.

Facebook

2006-10-02T14:56:00.000-07:00

Contrary to what you may have thought, this post is not about the greatness or depostism that is Facebook. Rather I just want to point out a couple of things. First, if you want to post pictures, by all means go ahead. Just do me a favor and navigate that little mouse, you know that little arrow looking thing that mysteriously moves around the screen when you move the potato shaped object around the desk, to the little button looking thing in the shape of an arrow. And then click on it until your picture looks, like well what it would look like if you were holding it. Thats right most of the time peoples heads go at the top. Of course if you have a serious neck bend you can be forgiven. In that case pictures are correctly oriented in your world. Second, if you are going to let everything you do show up the News Feed page, then maybe be careful what you do. Case in point: The following wall post greated me on the home page when I logged in one time written by a 21 year old college senior to one of her friends:
"I'm actually dating an 18 year old and it's his homcoming this weekend in *******, so I'm going up there for his football game..and he will probably be getting crowned king at half time or else I'd totally be here!

Just FYI, you may want to think twice about telling fellow college students about your boyfriend being homecoming king at his high school....this year.

Kolege is grate

2006-10-02T14:53:00.000-07:00

College, of course, is supposed to be the next step in your education. Well, it has yet to disappoint. Especially when it comes to learning the following facts.

1) A PhD in any field do not indicate in any way the ability to use common sense. I had 3 professors co-teach a class who couldn't figure out that a) microphones only work when they are near your mouth and b) that nifty little clip on a lapel mic is, believe it or not, designed to....wait for it... thats right, clip the microphone to your shirt so you don't have to hold it. Same thing goes for the belt clip on the transmitter. Same concept just for your belt.

2) College students on average, lack basic people skills and tact. Turns out asking a professor who is briefly describing an project for the last half of the semester on the first day of class "What is the point of that assignment? How is it going to be graded....Cause lets all face it, we are just here for the grade" is perfectly acceptable.

3) Maintaining a fast and reliable network and internet connectiong is much easier to do at a school of 25,000 students then it is at a school of 1500. Besides who needs internet access during finals week.

4) College professors have no room to complain about their jobs. They seriously spend maybe like 10 hours or less actually teaching each week. Add another 10 for office hours and grading. 20 hours a week. Wow thats tough. Good thing they have all those breaks and sabaticals so that they finally have some time off.

5) Everytime a teacher in high school says "you will have to do it this way in college" call them on it. Turns out I have done nothing in college that I was forced to do in high school using that logic. If high school really wanted to prep you for college they would just have you read a whole bunch of books and then give you 2 tests a semester on them and not care if you chewed gum in class.

6) Diversity/ethnic awareness is just a hip term for "we feel bad because some whites in history did some bad stuff and now white straight males everywhere should be our whipping boy so that we can feel better about ourselves regardless of the fact that today's young white males haven't done anything in their lifetimes to deserve it."

7) Showing pictures of copulating insects is a good ice breaker for the first day of class.

You are not that important

2006-10-02T14:30:00.000-07:00

It has become apparent that people wrongly think that they are more important and special then everyone else. In fact, when asked, the majority of people say that they are "above average" which of course cannot be true. Three things happened in the span of 10 minutes this morning to illustrate the fact that most people are in fact "above average" imposters who deparately need to reminded of their averageness and less-then-impressiveness. First, a girl came into class today with a cell phone ear piece in. That is in no way OK. Having spent a summers working with rich high school students at what amounted to career summer camp and Home Depot, and even the knowing the director of student life at my college, I can guaruntee you that if you think you are important enough that you need to talk on your cell phone via a headset or Bluetooth, or just wear the headset you are indeed not important at all. In reality, the people who are important enough to need such a device are the ones who don't need it because they have secretarys. Second, another girl came to class with her bowl of oatmeal. Not OK. You can in no way be so busy and so important that you need to eat breakfast during your college class, especially when that class lasts on 50 minutes and happens to be taught by the chair of the department that you are majoring in. All it says is that I don't have it together. It does not say "I am just so involved and busy that this was only way I could eat this morning. Hell, I woke up 25 minutes before class started and still had time to take a shower, dress, check email, find my shoes, get something to eat and make the 5 minute walk to my class. And I didn't even rush. Finally, for all that is holy, stop asking pseudo-intellectual questions. Rephrasing what the professor just said as a question does not make you look smart. Asking a stupid question and trying to disguise it doesn't work either. You may fool all the other "above average" people in the room but the people who are actually smart and know whats going on will see right through you. They will be ones rolling their eyes and looking at each other when you start talking. At that point its best just to shut up.

Dr. Neil Clark Warren needs to be more strict.

2006-10-02T09:48:00.000-07:00

So as a joke, I registered for eHarmony, where supposedly my soul mate is to be found. Well, having gone 7 months with no matches and now having received 25 matches in a month, I have a few pointers which I have gleaned from my actual eHarmony experience for any young ladies looking to meet an attractive, smart, successful, funny, charming future doctor. If you are going to use eHarmony, do yourself the favor and consider the following:

+ AIM slang is not appropriate nor attractive when you use it in your profile. Example: LoL does not make me think, "Oh this girl has a good sense of humor." No, it makes me think, "this girl must spend a lot of time on AIM which can only mean that it is the only way by which people are willing to communicate with her."

+ Being 21 and already having a child is not an effective way to get a guy who has specified abstinence as a "must have."

+ While honesty is appreciated, stating in your "about me" section that you are a "big girl from a big family" is not the way to attract a guy who considers any girl with a BMI more then half of his own BMI overweight.

+ When listing the things you "cannot live without" do not take it seriously. I'm not 3 years old. I already know that air, water, food, and sleep are required for sustaining life. Also, it is not attractive to list your cell phone, car, and iPod. While this may be true, it just makes you out to be clingy, superficial and retarded, which is probably true, especially if you are in your early twenties and are taking eHarmony seriously.

+ Do not list "Cooking for your family" as an important life skill. First, unless you are one of the previously-mentioned individuals with a mini-you following you around, you aren't really cooking for your family. Second, Shake and Bake, Arby's, and Stouffers do not count as cooking. Plus, judging by the number of girls my age I know, half of the 15 who listed this particular skill are lying and another 5 or 6 have to call their mom (or me) to know how to cook something without a recipe

+ When answering the question "what do you like to do during your leisure time" do not start your response with "Well, I am so busy that I don't have free time." Well, great! That means you will just have so much time to pursue a relationship. Wrong! First, I don't believe you are really busy all the time because talking on your precious cell phone does not qualify in the Book of Man as being an essential task. That falls under "Things of questionable neccessity/sexuality." Second, saying you have no free time may also be an indicator of your overall inability to accomplish things in a reasonable time frame.

+ Finally, if a guy decides to close a match because he is "currently taking a break from dating," he is taking a break from you. Unless he is dating someone, a guy is never on a "break" from dating. He's always ready except for the 2 minutes it takes to read your profile and figure out that you aren't "compatible." Marriage is the expecption, where is would be nice to think that you could continue dating your wife, but we all know that its really just a lifelong break from dating of any kind).

Customer Service

2006-10-01T09:23:00.000-07:00

We recently had internet and cable connected. Because there are three of us living in the house we need to purchase a router to share the internet. So off to Best Buy we went. However, we were influenced into buying the wrong thing by the customer service representative that so kindly helped us. So when we got back and set everything up it didn't work. So after 30 minutes of trying to make it work, we decide to call the good folks at Linksys. Turns out they love outsourcing jobs...to India. The very nice lady who helped us (even though common American venacular was beyond comprehension for her) asked for an email address. She then repeated the spelling back to me using the typical "P as in Peter, E as in Echo" phrasing. Of course she did not use standard military words. No, she made up her own. And I kid you not, when she got to an "N" in the address she said, in her very think Indian accent, "N as in Nazi." I don't know what she said after that, I was laughing to hard.